Sunday, July 06, 2008

If only it could be true...

One of the funniest things I've seen in a long time!

Dear Citizens of America,

In view of your failure to elect a competent President and thus
to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of
your independence, effective immediately.

Her Sovereign Majesty, Queen Elizabeth II, will resume
monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other
territories (except Kansas , which she does not fancy), as from
Monday next.

Your new prime minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a governor
for America without the need for further elections. Congress and
the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated
next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the
following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English
Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium," and check the pronunciation
guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been
pronouncing it.

2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour',
'favour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell
'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix "ize"
will be replaced by the suffix "ise."

3. You will learn that the suffix 'burgh' is pronounced 'burra';
you may elect to spell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you find you
simply can't cope with correct pronunciation.

4. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to
acceptable levels (look up "vocabulary"). Using the same
twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like"
and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of

5. There is no such thing as "US English." We will let Microsoft
know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted
to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination
of "-ize."

6. You will relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The
Queen", but only after fully carrying out Task #1 (see above).

7. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday. November
2nd will be a new national holiday, but to be celebrated only in England.
It will be called "Come-Uppance Day."

8. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns,
lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and
therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent.
Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough
to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist
then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

9. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry
anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be
required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

10. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this
is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will
understand what we mean.

11. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you
will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same
time, you will go metric immediately and without the benefit of
conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrification will help
you understand the British sense of humour.

12. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have
been calling "gasoline") - roughly $8/US per gallon. Get used to

13. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call
french fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on
calling potato chips are properly called "crisps." Real chips are
thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but
with malt vinegar.

14. Waiters and waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive
with customers.

15. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not
actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will
be referred to as "beer," and European brews of known and
accepted provenance will be referred to as "Lager." American
brands will be referred to as "Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine," so that
all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

16. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English
actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast
English actors as English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell
attempt English dialogue in "Four Weddings and a Funeral" was an
experience akin to having one's ear removed with a cheese grater.

17. You will cease playing American "football." There is only one
kind of proper football; you call it "soccer". Those of you brave
enough, in time, will be allowed to play rugby, which has some
similarities to American "football", but does not involve
stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar
body armour like a bunch of Jessies - English slang for "Big Girls Blouse".

18. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable
to host an event called the "World Series" for a game which is
not played outside of America . Since only 2.1% of you are aware
that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is
understandable and forgiven.

19. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

20. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her
Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the
acquisition of all monies due, backdated to 1776.

Thank you for your co-operation.
John Cleese

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